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British Musical Theatre   Amasis

No. 3 - Solo - Ptolemy - "My name is Ptolemy."


Ptolemy: My name is Ptolemy Allakama,
I practise a trade hum-drummy,
I'm mighty Pharaoh's Court Embalmer,
Inventor of the Mummy.
You possibly think my trade abhorrent
Or fancy I charge you highly,
But here, if you please, is my Royal Warrant
To deal with each Corpus Vile.
I've a different style for the high and low.
To the rabble I'm Ptolemy Sons and Co.,
But the hightoned aristocracy
Deal with Ptolemy, Limited, Fils et Cie.
Go to any museum and there you may see 'em,
They've all of them been embalmed by me.

Now he who would a mummy be,
This point there's no evading,
The whole of his wealth must come to me
As the profit on my trading.
This quid pro quo for my honest toil
Each poor defunct agrees on,
And I make immortal the mortal coil
Of thousands ev'ry season.
Oh, my business grows in a way surprising,
Tho' I spent not a farthing on advertising,
And the veriest booby thus must see
That embalming's a very soft job for me.
The whole of Egypt saves, you see,
For Ptolemy, Limited, Fils et Cie.

But though you have to pay this fee,
Though Tuum must be Meum,
You may bring your enemies to me
For the National grand museum.
If you've a friend who's in the way
Don't ever try to harm him,
But a handsome cheque to me you pay,
And I quietly embalm him.
You really never need to fret
Because you're in old Isaac's debt;
You merely say the chap has died,
Then gloat upon him mummified.
Oh, it swells the profits famouslee
Of Ptolemy, Limited, Fils et Cie.

But he who jilts a pretty maid
Or 'gainst her will has kiss'd her,
Who income tax has never paid--
Each passive bad resister--
Who irritates our crocodiles
Each Company director--
Who chivies sacred cats with tiles,
Each naughty vivisector.
By mighty Pharaoh's wise decree,
No vicious rogue embalmed may be,
You're merely trespassing on my time
If perchance you've committed criminal crime.
No anarchist need come to me--
To Ptolemy, Limited, Fils et Cie

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   Page created 27 September 2016 .