The Arcadians
A Fantastic Musical Play in Three Acts

Book by
Mark Ambient, A.M. Thompson and Robert Courtneidge

Lyrics by
Arthur Wimperis

Music by
Lionel Monckton and Howard Talbot

This Version Edited by
Fraser Charlton

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

James Smith/Simplicitas (an Elderly Business Man)	Baritone
Sombra (an Arcadian)	Soprano
Chrysaea (an Arcadian)	Soubrette
Mrs. Smith (Smith’s Wife)	Speaking Role
Jack Meadows (Lead)	Light Baritone
Eileen Cavanagh (a Natural Irish Girl)	Mezzo-Soprano
Bobbie (a Man-about-town)	Light Baritone
Peter Doody (a Jockey who has never won a race)	Baritone
Astrophel (an Arcadian Shepherd)	Tenor
Amaryllis (an Arcadian Shepherdess)	Soprano
Strephon (an Arcadian Shepherd)	Baritone
Sir George Paddock (a Racegoer)	Speaking Role
Lady Barclay 	Speaking Role
Time (“Father Time”)	Speaking Role
Percy Marsh 	Speaking Role

ACT 1
OPENING CHORUS
Girls.	Arcadians are we,
	Dame Nature blest our birth
With spell of Sun and Sea
	And charm of Mother Earth,
Men.	With freedom of the weald,
	With shelter of the woods,
All.	And gold of garnered field
	For all our worldly goods.
Girls.	In Arcady life flows along
As careless as the shepherd’s song.
All.		That Strephon pipes along the lea
		In Arcady, in Arcady!
Girls.	In Arcady life trips along
As lightsome as the pixy throng
All.		Who sport beneath the greenwood tree
		In Arcady, in Arcady!
Chrysea.	Drone of bees among the flow’rs,
	Heralding the summer noon,
Songs of birds amid the bow’rs,
	Litany of joyous June;
Hush and murmur of the leaves
	As the Zephyr comes and goes;
Green and gold of ripening sheaves,
	Sailing clouds of pearl and rose;
The heart to love, the eye to see! –
These are the joys of Arcady!
Chorus.	The heart to love, the eye to see! –
These are the joys of Arcady!
Of Arcady, of Arcady!
Astrophel.	Evening and the sense of rest,
	Labour lightly laid aside,
Crimson splendour of the west,
	Glamour of the twilight-tide;
Scent of meadow-sweet and thyme
	And a hundred honeyed things,
Philomel’s impassioned rhyme
	When the moon her sickle swings:
The passing day, the night to be!
These are the joys of Arcady!
Girls.	The passing day, the night to be!
These are the joys of Arcady!
All.	So merry mazes tread
	And crown your locks with flow’rs,
Let Youth and Pleasure wed,
	The joy of life is ours.
Girls.	In Arcady life flows along
As careless as the shepherd’s song.
All.		That Strephon pipes along the lea
		In Arcady, in Arcady!
Girls.	In Arcady life trips along
As lightsome as the pixy throng
All.		Who sport beneath the greenwood tree
		In Arcady, in Arcady!
		In Arcady, in Arcady!
Amaryllis	The dance! Ah, that is life!
Astrophel	And the life of the dance is Chrysaea.
Chrysaea	I only laugh and dance as the birds sing, for the sheer joy of life.
Astrophel	Now, who’s for the woods? There’s fruit to be gathered.
Exit Astrophel with some of the Chorus.
Amaryllis	But here comes Sombra – even more thoughtful than usual.
Enter Sombra.
Chrysaea	Why Sombra, you look troubled.
Sombra	Oh Chrysaea, I have such a story to tell you.
All	A story?
Chrysaea	Oh, tell us Sombra.
Sombra	When I told you my dreams you mocked me.
Chrysaea	No, I only laughed. I laugh at everything.
Sombra	You will not laugh at our Great Serpent’s story.
All	Our Great Serpent?
Chrysaea	Has he come back?
Sombra	I met him even now as I sang and danced by the restless river. He has been far, far away. So far, that at last he reached the shore of another land.
Amaryllis	Another Arcadia?
Sombra	Oh no, not a bit like Arcadia. A land peopled by savages.
All	Savages?
Sombra	Yes. They call them – the English. They crowd together in a place called London, and live in cages.
All	Cages?
Sombra	Yes. Cages of brick and stone. They even sleep in them.
All	Sleep in cages?
Sombra	Yes. They never see the fairies that dance at night to the music of the nightingale. The incense of flowers never soothes their nostrils. They breathe instead the stifling fog of never-ending smoke!
Chrysaea	Oh, poor monsters!
Sombra	Yes, poor indeed! (Shudders) And what do you think? They cannot even tell the truth!
All	Oh!
Chrysaea	Not tell the truth? Why, Sombra, what else could one tell?
Sombra	They make shift with an ingenious substitute they call – the lie.
Chrysaea	The lie? What is the lie?
Sombra	I cannot tell. Our Great Serpent only knows it is the Thing That is Not. In that sunless land so far away the people all can tell it. They say it is as easy as the truth, and ever so much more useful.
Enter Astrophel excitedly.
Astrophel	Chrysaea! Sombra! News! News! A stranger has come to Arcady!
All	A stranger? Where? Where?
Astrophel	See! On the hill, look!
Enter Time.
All	Hail, stranger. Welcome!
They rush to and group around him.
Time	Ah, children, bless your happy faces. Why, you look younger than ever.
Sombra	You know us, then?
All	Have you been here before? When were you here? Who are you?
Time	Time, time, one at a time.
Sombra	What do they call you?
Time	When I call time, I call myself – I am time.
Astrophel	Time? Why, I remember you. But it is time out of mind since we saw you.
Time	That’s why you look so young. To tell you the truth, I’d forgotten you.
All	Forgotten us?
Time	It’s not my fault. It was the Gulf Stream. Thousands of years ago it changed its course. It shut you up here at the North Pole and opened up England as a Gulf course. I’d have forgotten you completely if I hadn’t met your Great Serpent.
SONG – TIME
Time.	Since the days before the flood,
When the world was mainly mud,
	Where the mammoth met the mighty mastodon,
I’ve been saddled with the berth
Of policeman to the earth;
	I’m the man who keeps creation moving on.
But I’ve had so much to do
That I’d quite forgotten you.
Yes, I’ve skipped you as a schoolboy skips a page.
So I fear you’re in arrears
Just about three thousand years,
	For with you I see it’s still the Golden Age!
			To ev’ry race
		In ev’ry clime
		I set the pace
		And call the time.
		From Camberwell to Candahar,
		But I quite forgot Arcadia!
Chorus.			To ev’ry race, etc.
Time.	I’ve supplanted Jove and Zues,
I’ve assisted to reduce
	Mighty Athens to a little spot of Greece;
I have watched the legions pass
From the ranks of shining brass
	To the plain but solid “Copper” of Police!
I have changed the fashion’s mode
From the ancient Briton’s woad,
	Where they dyed themselves a lovely shade of blue,
To society to-day,
Which exhibits strange to say,
	An alarming similarity of hue.
			To ev’ry race, etc.
Chorus.			To ev’ry race, etc.
Astrophel	Well, now you have come, you will stay awhile?
Time	No, no. Time never stands still. Time must fly. Time used to creep, but since some meddling busybody went and discovered the Americans, the proverbial stitch in time has become chronic!
Sombra	Does London belong to the Americans?
Time	Yes, in the summer!
Chrysaea	I would like to see one of the monsters.
All	We all would! Bring us a monster!
Time	My Children, when you ask for monsters, you’re asking for trouble.
Chrysaea	We only want to see a monster.
Sombra	We don’t want him to stay.
All	Bring us a monster! We want a monster!
Time	I’ll see what I can do. Follow me!
Exeunt All except Chrysea, Sombra, Astrophel and Strephon.
Chrysaea	What a jolly old thing Time is.
Sombra	But his stories of the world beyond the river are not joyous.
Chrysaea	Why not? The people beyond the river live, and is there not joy in everything that has life?
QUARTETTE – SOMBRA, CHRYSEA,
ASTROPHEL and STREPHON
Sombra.	The shadow dappled mead
	Is sweet with scent of thyme,
The shepherd tunes his reed
	To rippling rhythmic rhyme,
Astrophel.	The swallows swoop and fly,
	The grass grows rich and rife,
The brook goes babbling by,
	Alilt with laughing life!
All.	So take your pleasure,
Mingle love with leisure,
Life’s a dainty measure
	For our dancing feet!
For nature’s smiling
With a charm beguiling,
	With the sin on the dew
	And the lark in the blue
And the joy of life,
The joy of life!
All the wide world through!
Sombra.	The asphodels’ ablaze,
	The crimson rose aglow
Amid the woodland ways
	The breezes whispher low:
Astrophel.	The drowsy bees drink deep
	Where heather belfries swing,
The birds their matins keep
	With joyous carolling.
All.	So take your pleasure, etc.
Sombra	What an eventful day it has been. First the Serpent’s story, now Father Time. I knew something was going to happen.
Astrophel	I wonder what that speck is in the sky.
Amaryllis	(Entering with Chorus. Pointing up) It looks like a big bird, bigger than an eagle.
Astrophel	What can it be?
Sombra	See, it swoops down upon us.
CHORUS OF FEAR
Look, what hovers there above us,
	Hanging on gigantic wing!
Oh, eternal gods who love us,
	Save us from this awful thing!
Hark, it’s coming, humming, thrumming.
	Wheeling, reeling in it’s flight,
Looping, drooping, swooping, whooping,
	Like a harpy of the night!
See, upon its back is riding
	Something in no mortal shape,
Mopping, mowing, creeping, leaping,
	Frisking like a frenzied ape!
It’s upon us! It’s upon us! Ah!
All the Chorus exits in fear. Smith drops from a rope.
Smith	Talk about the fall of man! I wonder where I am. It looks like the Garden of Eden.
Astrophel, Sombra & Chrysaea enter.
Sombra, Chrysaea & Astrophel	Hail, stranger, hail!
Smith	Adam! With a couple of Eves!
Sombra	Hail!
Chrysaea	Hail!
Astrophel	Hail!
Smith	I don’t care if it snows. But you know your own climate best. What place is this?
Astrophel	This is Arcadia.
Smith	I didn’t know it was on the map. Can you recommend me to a good hotel – Mr. – er, what’s your name?
Astrophel	Astrophel.
Smith	Oh! Excuse me – which is Mrs. Astrodome?
Astrophel	Mrs.? In Arcadia we do not know what Mrs. Means.
Smith	Lucky beggar!
Astrophel	This is Chrysaea and this is Sombra.
Smith	O Good morrow, ladies. Are you well?
Sombra	Have you come from Time?
Smith	No, from London.
Sombra, Chrysaea, Astrophel	London?
Smith	Ah, I see you’ve heard of our wicked little village.
Sombra	Astrophel! (She crosses to him for protection) It’s one of the monsters!
Smith	Monster! Well, I like that! Oh, it’s the aeroplane suit. Ah, girls, wait till you see me in frock coat and top hat basking in Bond Street.
Chrysaea	Bond Street?
Smith	Yes, you’ve heard of Bond Street? Picadilly? (All look blank) Then you’ve never heard of Smith & Co., the leviathan caterers? No? Oxford Street? Regent Street? Why, don’t you know what shops are?
Sombra	No, what are shops?
Smith	Shops? Shops are, er, well, shops! Places where they Selfridges – sell things!
Sombra	Sell? What is sell?
Smith	What is sell? Good gracious! Do you mean to say you never buy anything?
Astrophel	No, we do not know what it is to buy.
Smith	Lucky beggar. What do you do with all your money?
Sombra	Money? What is money?
Smith	What is money? Here, I’ll show you some.
Brings out some coins. The Arcadians pass it around with curiousity, finally laughing and throwing it to the ground.
Smith	Don’t waste it! You’re not a Government department!
Kneels and picks up the money. The Arcadians laugh at him.
Astrophel	Do not let us laugh at our guest. Let us offer him refreshment.
Sombra brings a pitcher from the well.
Sombra	Here is a draught of water from our blessed well.
Smith	This isn’t a Christening. I want something to drink.
Sombra	But it is from our blessed well.
Smith	Well, he can blessed well have it! I’ll have something to eat instead. What do you say to nice bit of lamb?
Sombra	You would bite a lamb?
Smith	You don’t suppose I’d swallow it whole, do you?
Sombra	Bite a lamb? Oh, monster! We’d as soon think of biting you.
Smith	You do, and I’ll bite you back. Never mind the lamb – I’ll have a little bird.
Chrysaea	You eat birds? The happy birds who tell us all their rapturous thoughts when we sit in the bower of love?
Smith	Oh, go on! Talking lambs, talking birds, bowers of love! Damme, I’ll buy the place! Tell me, who’s the landlord?
Astrophel	Landlord?
Smith	To whom do you pay rent?
Astrophel	We do not know what it is to pay rent.
Smith	Lucky beggar! Who’s the master?
Sombra	Our master is Pan.
Smith	What, Peter? Where is the young gentleman to be found?
Sombra	In every hill and dale, in every tree, in every running brook. The whole world is his mansion and the fields are his garden!
SONG – SOMBRA
With a melody enthralling,
	Loud the woodland echoes ring,
Hark! the pipes of Pan are calling
	With a merry lilt and wing.
	Hear their joyous carolling,
	Flowing, growing, rising, falling,
		Youth and joy must have their fling
	When the pipes of Pan are calling.
		Ah! The pipes of Pan!
So follow, follow, follow,
	The merry, merry pipes of Pan,
The magic reed
That charms at need
	The heart of maid and man. Ah!
Away, away, they seem to say,
	And catch us if you can!
Come follow, follow,
Where they lead,
	The merry, merry pipes of Pan.
Loud they laugh beside the fountain,
	Shrill they mingle with the breeze,
Sweet they call across the mountain,
	Soft they whisper though the trees,
	Low they murmur with the bees,
	Blithely where the brook goes bawling,
		Nature’s fingers touch the keys,
	When the pipes of Pan are calling.
	Ah! Ah! The pipes of Pan!
So follow, follow, follow,
	The merry, merry pipes of Pan,
The magic reed
That charms at need
	The heart of maid and man. Ah!
Away, away, they seem to say,
	And catch us if you can!
Come follow, follow,
Where they lead,
	The merry, merry pipes of Pan.
Exit Astrophel & Chrysaea.
Smith	What a charming little song that is to be sure.
Sombra	Do you like singing?
Smith	I love it. I like the bit where you went – ooh – er (His voice cracks) Do you think I ought to see a plumber about this?
Sombra goes to brook and sits.
Sombra	How beautifully fresh the water is. Won’t you take a drink?
Smith	Oh, dear! Do you know somehow water always makes me so frightfully heady. Whisky’s not in it (aside) worse luck.
Sombra	(Pointing to his trousers) Why do you wear these? Are they to hide your legs?
Smith	Yes, a pair of trousers hides a multitude of shins.
Sombra	Why do you not wear something to hide your face?
Smith	Ha! Ha! Ha! You’re sharper than a Gilette. May I come and sit down by you? (He does so) You don’t mind me putting my arm round you?
Sombra	No, I like it. I am small and frail. It is good to be enfolded in strong arms.
Smith	(Aside) I’m going to have the time of my life!
Sombra	Tell me, don’t you wish you were handsome, like Astrophel?
Smith	(Taking his arms away) That’s put the lid on it! Well, Asphalt is all right as a suburban type. My type of beauty is more complicated – more subtle – more je ne sais quoi, whatever that means.
Sombra	No, I could never like it as I like Astrophel.
Smith	I’m fed up with this Mr. Astroturf! (He puts his arm around her again) he’d wear a worried look if he saw us now.
Sombra	Why should he be worried?
Smith	Jolly well serves him right. He’s gone off with the other girl. He’s no right to be jealous.
Sombra	What is jealousy?
Smith	You don’t know what jealousy is?
Sombra	No.
Smith	Well, it’s the friendship that one woman has for another.
Sombra	We’ve never heard of it in Arcadia.
Smith	Never mind, we’ll soon put that right. (He moves closer. Enter Astrophel & Chrysaea at back) Well, you see, he’s gone off with Miss Chrysaea because he loves her.
Sombra	Of course. He loves us both.
Smith	Yes, that’s what he told you, but it isn’t what he told me. He only loves Chrysaea.
Sombra	(Rising) Astrophel no longer cares for me!
Smith	Come and sit down again. Don’t take on so about a trifle.
Sombra	A trifle! If Astrophel no longer cares for me, I no longer care to live. (Turns and sees Chrysaea) You to steal his love from me! You, my twin sister, whom I love so dearly!
Chrysaea	What is it? What has happened? (To Astrophel) Dear brother, comfort her.
Sombra	(Seeing them together) It’s true. It’s true! You’ve ceased to care for me. You only care for her. I hate you both!
Chorus enter from all directions.
Astrophel	Sombra, Sombra, what has changed you? You know I love you, and no one could tell you that I had ceased to love you, for it would be that impious thing. (Awestruck) A lie!
Sombra	Then he has told a lie!
Everyone gazes at Smith in horror.
All	A lie! A lie! He has told a lie!
Smith	Well, you needn’t make a song about it. It was only a little one. My word, if you lived in London you’d be singing all day.
Astrophel	What is to be done with him?
Sombra	We must wash him in the well of Truth.
Smith	The well of Truth!
Astrophel	Yes, put him in the well.
All	Put him in the well.
Smith	You don’t suppose I’ve come fifty million miles in an aeroplane to be bathed, do you?
Astrophel	You must. Seize him!
Smith is propelled towards the well and pitched in it.
Smith	But I haven’t got a loofah!
CHORUS
All a Lie! All a Lie! What shall we do with him?
What is the penalty properly due to him?
Off and away with him! Down with hi! Out with him!
Banish the taint that he carries about with him!
Let him be purified, inwardly clarified,
Mentally rarified, morally scarified!
Off to the spring with him! Hurry pell-mell with him!
All a Lie! All a Lie! Down with him, in with him!
Bearing the terrible weight of his sin with him!
Into the spring with him! Out with the spell!
Off and away with him! Harry him! Carry him!
Worry him! Hurry him! Into the Well!
All a Lie! All a Lie! All a Lie!
Astrophel	(Down the well) Have you found Truth?
Smith	Yes, and she’s pinched all my clothes. She’s got my whiskers now. Ooh! Let me come up, I will be good.
Astrophel	Let him come up.
Smith emerges dressed as an Arcadian shepherd with no whiskers.
Smith	Hoo! Well, I- (noticing his lack of trousers) Excuse me, ladies. Oh, I say. I feel rather gay. (He frisks about) Will somebody play me the ‘Spring Song’? (He attempts some Greek poses).
Sombra	Now that you are made over again, you must have a new name. I name you Simplicitas. You shall be young for ever.
Smith	Young for ever! That settles it. I’m not going back to the old woman!
SONG – SMITH
Smith.	I’m a case of complete reformation,
I’ve drunk of veracity’s cup,
Though I went through enforced liquidation
Before I was fully wound up.
Chorus.	He was fully wound up.
Smith.	From Truth, as Official Receiver
I’ve got, as you see, a clean sheet,
For I’ve drunk every drop
In her old bucket shop,
And my new re-constructions complete, complete.
Chorus.	His new re-constructions complete!
Smith.	Simplicitas! Simplicitas!
That’s what they’ve christened me.
An out-and-out Arcadian
Hence-forth I mean to be!
Fair Amaryllis I’ll pursue –
I’m rather sweet on Sombra, too –
Chrysaea looks a likely lass,
They call me sweet Simplicitas.
Smith.	I’m simply cut out for a Shepherd,
I’m fashioned for clothes such as these,
Though a bear-skin, with trimmings of leopard,
Leaves rather a draft round the knees!
Chorus.	Leaves a draft round the knees!
Smith.	I will cherish my flocks through the winter,
And if they stray from the nest,
I shall clothe them, of course,
With a little mint sauce,
That’s the way that cold lamb should be dress’d, be dress’d!
Chorus.	That’s the way that cold lamb should be dress’d.
Smith.	Simplicitas! Simplicitas!
That’s what they’ve christened me.
An out-and-out Arcadian
Hence-forth I mean to be!
I do so like their marriage laws –
They’ve got no nasty binding clause –
You simply say, “Amo, Amas,”
They call me sweet Simplicitas!
Smith	Fancy my being an Arcadian! Oh, when I think of London – and Maria – I feel that up to now I’ve been simply wasting my time.
Sombra	Why, are they all as wicked in London as you were?
Smith	Wicked? If you heard them in Throgmorton Street, you’d have a fit.
Sombra	Then you shall go back and covert them. That shall be your mission.
Smith	But I’m not in the missionary business, and now that I can’t tell a lie, I’m utterly ruined for any kind of business in London.
Sombra	You must go back, and I will go with you.
Chrysaea	So will I.
Smith	That’ll be nice – if we met Maria! But I really can’t go – I’ve lost my plane!
Astrophel	He that brought you will take you back. You must go. It is time.
Enter Time.
Time	You called me? Ah, the gentleman from London. You have washed him very well. His own mother wouldn’t know him.
Smith	It isn’t my mother that worries me, but if Maria should see me in these trousers -
Time	Come.
Smith	I’m sorry, but I have just remembered that I have forgotten - 
Time	Be careful! If you tell a lie, your wrinkles, your whiskers and your ugliness will come back to you.
Smith	(to Time) Well, if that’s what you get for telling lies, you must have had a busy season!
Chrysaea	Come, take us to the land of the monsters. We want to make them all like him.
Time	Very well. We shall find them all at Askwood.
Smith	Askwood Races in these trousers! (Runs to well) I say, Truth, I left a pair of trousers down there to be cleaned and pressed. Send ‘em up at once, please.
Time	No Time for that. Come!
FINALE ACT 1
Sombra.	To all and each,
	Where sin is rife,
We go to teach
	The simple life.
To banish lies,
	The wrong to right,
To darkened eyes
	To bring the light,
To all on earth
	To teach the truth,
The song of mirth,
	The dance of youth.
So shall they be
	In true accord
With Arcadee,
	Where love is lord.
Sombra, Chrysaea,	To all and each
Strephon &		Where sin is rife,
Astrophel.	We go to teach
		The simple life
	So shall they be
		in true accord,
	With Arcadee,
		Where love is lord.
	With Arcadee,
		Where love is lord.
Chorus.	Stay with us, stay! Seek not a land of strangers!
	The pain of parting makes you doubly dear;
Fly not away to brave undream’d-of dangers,
	Let our true love prevail to keep you here.
Sombra.	Fond hearts and true, though pain it is to sever
	The bonds of friendship and of love the ties,
We must pursue the path of high endeavour,
	And in the Great Beyond our duty lies.
All.	To all and each,
	Where sin is rife,
They go to teach
	The simple life.
To banish lies,
	The wrong to right,
To darkened eyes
	To bring the light,
So shall they be
	In true accord
With Arcadee,
	Where love is lord.
With Arcadee,
	Where love is lord.
So shall they be
	In true accord
With Arcadee,
	Where love is lord.
With Arcadee,
	Where love is lord!
CURTAIN

ACT 2
OPENING CHORUS
All.	That’s all over, bar the shouting.
A’s in clover, B is doubting
	How he’s ever going to pay
When he’s settled up with A.
When you have a jolly outing,
	What’s it matter anyway?
Where are horses like the present?
Where are courses half so pleasant?
	Not a race we’d care to miss
	We repeat with emphasis,
Where’s the sport for peer or peasant
	Fit to be compared with this?
That’s all over, bar the shouting.
A’s in clover, B is doubting
	How he’s ever going to pay
When he’s settled up with A.
When you have a jolly outing,
	What’s it matter anyway?
Ladies.	We bow at the altar of fashion,
	We’re vowed to the vogue of the hour,
The Rite of the Robe is our passion,
	The Might of the Mode is our pow’r!
Leave dowdies their homespun and “Harris,”
	Your Venus of breeding and birth
Defers to the judgement of Paris,
	A mixture of beauty and Worth!
All. 	We/they bow at the altar of fashion,
	We’re/they’re vowed to the vogue of the hour,
The Rite of the Robe is our/their passion,
	The Might of the Mode is our/their pow’r!
Leave dowdies their homespun and “Harris,”
	Your Venus of breeding and birth
Defers to the judgement of Paris,
	A mixture of beauty and Worth!
Men.	Of the Smart Set we’re the scions,
	Plain and wealthy, poor but comely,
Here are Montague and Lyons.
	Here are Majorinbanks, Meux and Cholmodeley,
Though the spelling of our names is
	Quite enough to drive you silly
We’re the Johnnies of St. James’s,
	We’re the pick of Piccadilly,
	We’re the pick of Piccadilly!
Men.	Of the Smart Set we’re the scions,
	Plain and wealthy, poor but comely,
Here are Montague and Lyons.
	Here are Majorinbanks, Meux and Cholmodeley,
Though the spelling of our names is
	Quite enough to drive you silly
We’re the Johnnies of St. James’s,
	We’re the pick of Piccadilly,
	We’re the pick of Piccadilly!	Ladies.	They’re in Debrett
And also deep in debt,
We’ve never met
	Such a fine happy-go-lucky a set!
Blood that is blue
Means azure morals too!
We never knew
Such a gay, rickety, rackety crew!
Though highly bred
Beneath them they will wed,
And the ‘tis said,
They will soon very much rather be dead!
They’re the Johnnies of St. James’s,
	They’re the pick of Piccadilly,
	They’re the pick of Piccadilly!	
All.	That’s all over, bar the shouting.
A’s in clover, B is doubting
	How he’s ever going to pay
When he’s settled up with A.
When you have a jolly outing,
	What’s it matter anyway?
Lady Barclay	And now, what’s the next article?
Percy	Why, the leading line. The Corinthian Stakes
Lady Barclay	Yes, the favourite is Sir George Paddock’s “Bella”. Hasn’t Jack Meadows got a chance with the Deuce?
Bobbie	Not against Paddock’s luck. If poor old Jack could have ridden the beast himself, he might have stood a chance, but the Deuce threw him at exercise this morning.
Percy	Then you think Sir George’s “Bella” is a dead cert?
Bobbie	Certainly. “Bella” is sure to win, if I back something else.
Lady Barclay	And that’s the best tip you can give us?
Bobbie	No, the best tip is, if you’ve got any money, you stick to it. If you want to win, it’s very simple - back the ones I don’t. I always lose!
SONG – BOBBIE
Bobbie.	I’ve tried every sort and kind of sport,
And racing is quite the best;
Just give me a horse, and name the course,
And you can have all the rest!
A jolly good thing, a sporting ring,
A tip on the strict Q.T.,
And give us a run at Ten to One
To win it, or One, Two, Three.
	Back your fancy,
Back your fancy,
Come and have a gamble,
But look at the price just once or twice
Before you join the scramble.
Wait until you chicks are hatched
Before you count them up,
There’s many a slip between the tip
And the horse that wins the Cup!
Chorus.	Back your fancy, etc.
Bobbie.	When first you begin you risk your tin
According to “Captain Coe,”
And swear you’ve a “cert”
And put your shirt
On something you think you know.
It’s part of the game – we’ve done the same
When betting we first began,
The “winner” you spot a name has got –
They call it the “Also ran!”
	Back your fancy, etc.
Chorus.	Back your fancy, etc.

Exit Chorus. Manet Bobbie. Enter Jack.
Jack	Hullo, Bobbie!
Bobbie	Hullo, Jack, how’s the arm?
Jack	Well enough to smash you with, but not well enough to ride the “Deuce”.
Bobbie	Jolly hard lines, too. If he hadn’t thrown you this morning, you might easily have won the race.
Jack	Might? I will.
Bobbie	How? Have you found any idiot mad enough to ride the brute?
Jack	Of course. Peter Doody.
Bobbie	Ho! Ho! Peter Doody! I’ll back him to come in last oftener than any man on the turf.
Jack	Well, it was too late to get anyone else. Besides, Doody’s my stable boy. He knows the horse.
Bobbie	But he’ll never hold him. Jack, your luck worries me. That mare you backed in the last race would have romped home if she hadn’t got jammed in on the rails.
Jack	Did she? (He raises his binoculars to look offstage)
Bobbie	What do you mean, “did she”? Didn’t you see her; you had a hundred on?
Jack	So I did. But just as they were going down to the starting point I caught site of a little girl in the grandstand – Why, there she is now! Do you know her (Pointing) Over there!
Bobbie	What, that thing in pink?
Jack	No, the one talking to Paddock. Who is she?
Bobbie	Oh, she’s a Miss Cavanagh, a niece of that chap Smith, the leviathan caterer who runs the Hotel de Luxe.
Jack	She’s looking this way. By jove, did you ever see a smile like that?
Bobbie	Oh, blow the girl! They tell me you lost six hundred to Paddock last night at bridge.
Jack	Yes. Yes, I thought they were blue. I say, Bobbie, she’s got blue eyes. And hair! Lovely hair! (Drops binoculars) Bobbie, I’m going to marry that girl!
Bobbie	Rot! You’ve seen the girl for five minutes, never even been introduced to her, and now you want to marry her.
Jack	I didn’t say I wanted to.
Bobbie	What then?
Jack	I’m going to.
Bobbie	You’re mad. Who’s going to marry you? If you’re plunging on that beast of yours today, Paddock’ll just about finish you.
Enter Paddock
Paddock	Hullo, you chaps, who’s taking my name in vain?
Jack	Bobbie says you’re bound to win the cup.
Paddock	Jolly good tip, too. I hear that you can’t persuade any decent jockey to ride the “Deuce”. You’d better scratch the brute, and don’t be a fool.
Jack	Thanks – but don’t you be so rude to fools, Paddock. You might find it hard to get a living without them.
Paddock	Look here, Meadows, I’d had enough of you –
Bobbie	Sssh! Here’s Miss Cavanagh.
Enter Eileen.
Eileen	Oh, Sir George. (Sees Jack) I – I –
Bobbie	Allow me. Mr Meadows – Miss Cavanagh.
Jack	I am so glad to meet you. First bit of luck I’ve had this week.
Eileen	Do you believe in luck?
Jack	I didn’t. But I do now!
Paddock	Did you bring a message from Mrs. Smith?
Eileen	Shure, I’ve just remembered I’d forgot. She asked me to –
Enter Mrs. Smith.
Mrs. Smith	Oh, there you are. Hullo, Mr. Meadows. I’ve heard you’ve sprained your wrist and lost your chance of winning the race. Well, what I say is, enjoy life while you can, for when you can’t you won’t be able to. Nice weather, ain’t it?
Paddock	Is lunch ready?
Mrs. Smith	Smith & Co’s lunches are always ready.
Bobbie	Is Mr. Smith coming here?
Mrs. Smith	No, he’s in foreign parts. Gone mad on those aeroplanes, he has.
Paddock	Well, what about lunch? If you take my tip, Meadows, instead of wasting your money, you’ll hedge a bit of that thousand you bet with me.
Jack	Could you afford to make it two thousand?
Eileen	(To Paddock) Please don’t take the bet.
Paddock	Here’s Miss Cavanagh begging me to take pity on you. Very well, I’ll let you off.
Jack	You mean you won’t take the bet?
Paddock	Well, if you can afford it. (Taking out his betting book) Two thousand.
Jack	Did I say two? Make it five!
Bobbie	Jack!
Paddock	Good business! (Puts book away) Come along, Miss Cavanagh.
Eileen	Thank you, I don’t want any lunch. I will take an apple or pear presently.
Jack	The very thing! An Arcadian banquet! Just what I want.
Mrs. Smith	Why, Eileen! You told me you were as empty as a little drum.
Eileen	Oh, Auntie! (To Paddock) But don’t let me keep you.
Paddock	All right. My appetite’s not upset by trifles. (To Jack) Five thousand, don’t forget! (Exits)
Mrs. Smith	Well, your simple life apples and pears don’t appeal to me.
Bobbie	Nor me.
Mrs. Smith	Not while I’m on the free list at Smith & Co.’s half-guinea lunch
Exit Mrs. Smith & Bobbie.
Eileen	Oh, Mr. Meadows, I hope you didn’t think me rude!
Jack	Nonsense! I’m not such a cad to misunderstand your kindness. You’re fond of horses?
Eileen	Well, in Ireland I practically live in the saddle.
Jack	I thought so. You looked so tremendously excited at the end of the last race. Well, at least until Paddock came up to talk to you.
Eileen	You don’t like Sir George?
Jack	Sir George is all right in his place, but his place is not on the side of the angels.
Eileen	Mr. Meadows, I don’t think it complimentary to disparage my friends.
Jack	You know him well?
Eileen	Very well indeed.
Jack	Oh, that’s all right then. I was afraid you didn’t agree with me.
Eileen	Oh, you are awful! Aunt would be dreadfully cross if she heard you.
Jack	Why?
Eileen	She wants me to – er – like Sir George.
Jack	Tell her the age of miracles is past!
Eileen	You don’t know what I like.
Jack	I know what I like!
Eileen	What?
Jack	Oh, er – apples and pears and all that sort of thing. So do you. People who like the same thing are bound to like each other.
Eileen	It doesn’t always follow.
Jack	Oh yes it does. If two people like apples, they become a pair.
T he Chorus enters at the back, headed by Percy.
Eileen	Oh, Mr. Meadows! After that you shall just go and fetch me some.
Jack	Turned out of Eden because Eve wants an apple!
Exit Jack.
Percy	Arrah, now Miss Cavanagh, shure, ‘tis you Irish girls have the blarney.
Eileen	‘Tis the brogue that’s the thief of the world. Still, you like it!
SONG – EILEEN
Eileen.	Erin’s a spot
	Famous for greenery,
But we do not
	Match with scenery.
We’re not so green!
	We can make hay with you!
Says the Colleen,
	“Ah, get away with you.”
	Ah, now, stop your philandering!
	You can’t capture the rogue!
She’s heard your blarney
From Clare to Kilarney,
	The dear little girl with a bit of a brogue!
Chorus.	Ah, now, etc.
Eileen.	Soft are her eyes,
	Sweet is the speech of her;
Still, if you’re wise,
	Keep out of reach of her:
She can beguile
	Each mother’s son of you;
Shure all the while,
	She’s making fun of you!
	Ah, now, etc.
Chorus.	Ah, now, etc.
Eileen.	Chase her in vain,
	She’ll get the start of you,
Leaving a pain
	Right at the heart of you.
When fast and free
	She’s carried on with you,
“Marry?” says she,
	“Arrah! Begone with you!”
	Ah, now, etc.
Chorus.	Ah, now, etc.
Exeunt. Enter Doody with Lady Barclay.
Lady Barclay	I’m sure it won last year, Mr. Doody.
Doody	I’ve never ‘eard of a ‘orse of that name. You’ve got mixed up with the boat race. Let’s ‘ave a look at your card. (He takes it) It’s last year’s card, too. Did you pick it up or has some done it on you?
Lady Barclay snatches her card and exits. Enter Mrs. Smith.
Mrs. Smith	Here’s one of the jockeys! Can you give me a tip – (See’s Doody’s face) Peter!
Doody	Well, I’m blowed. It’s Maria Perkins – I beg pardon, ma’am – Mrs. Smith.
Mrs. Smith	Peter! Well, to think of meeting you! After all these years!
Doody	You’ve not changed a bit. You’ve still got the same old face that blighted my young heart, at any rate.
Mrs. Smith	Oh, Peter, you ain’t blighted, are you?
Doody	Since Jim Smith plucked the rosebud of my affections from under my nose, life’s been a cheap thing to me.
Mrs. Smith	You wouldn’t have found it so cheap if you’d married me, I give you my word.
Doody	Well, perhaps your husband knows best. Besides, I ride horses and he keeps restaurants. It’s only right that I should take the lean and him the fat.
Mrs. Smith	Oh, Peter, I hope you don’t mean me.
Doody	What? Oh, I cracked a joke, and I didn’t notice it. And I’m so quick at humour as a rule.
Mrs. Smith	Yes, but you don’t laugh and grow fat, do you?
Doody	No. My motto’s merry and bright, but I don’t give way to it.
Mrs. Smith	Oh, garn! It’s a gay life riding winners every day.
Doody	Winners! Me? The only mounts I have is “also’s” “’as beens” and “never was’ers.”
Mrs. Smith	But don’t you ever win?
Doody	Me win? Do you know I’ve ridden since I was sixteen and I’ve never won a race yet. I’ve been arrested for loitering. The nearest approach to a win I ever had was at Kempton Park in ‘Ninety-four. I was following close on the leader when he kicked up a clod of earth and struck me in both eyes. I couldn’t see out of them a bit, but I kept straight on, thinking my horse would go past the post himself. Well – about an hour afterwards – when I got the dirt out my eyes, I found I was in Epping Forest. To tell you the truth, I’m a bit tired of horseflesh. I’d like a bit of beef for a change, but if I sniff at the grid I put on weight.
Mrs. Smith	Why don’t you come round to our restaurant when you’re in town. You should taste our rissoles à la pompadour.
Doody	Don’t! Do you know that all I’ve had since yesterday morning is a bottle of soda water and a caraway seed, and the caraway seed got in a hollow tooth, so I’ve had nothing. I’ve tired of racing and starvation. I just long to be in your business
Mrs. Smith	I’m sure Jim would find you a place in our new hotel, if you’d come.
Doody	Would he really? Tell you what, missus. If I don’t win this race today, and I know I shan’t – you’re on.
Mrs. Smith	Well, that’s as good as settled. And now I’ll go and back “Bella” (going).
Doody	‘Ere, before you go, I’d just like to tell you how glad I am to meet you again. It’s been a little ray of sunshine to me.
Mrs. Smith	You mustn’t talk like that. Forget the past, Peter. Forget you ever loved me.
Doody	Yes, you’re another’s now, ain’t yer? Oh, well, what’s one man’s meat is another man’s poison. (Exits).
Enter Jack and Eileen, followed by the rest of the chorus.
Jack	No, I think it’s going to rain!
Mrs. Smith	Wouldn’t be a race meeting if it didn’t. You’d better come with me, Eileen.
Eileen	Oh no, I don’t think it’s going to be much.
Mrs. Smith	That’s all very well. But how is my eighty guinea frock going on?
SHOWER CHORUS
All.	This is really altogether
Too provoking of the weather,
Spoiling furbelow and feather,
	Frock and frill.
Helter skelter! Helter skelter!
See the people run for shelter
Through the rain – a perfect welter -
	Damp and chill!
Ladies.	See our dresses, everyone done
By the foremost firms in London,
Men.	All their handiwork is undone,
	Every shred!
Ladies.	Swan from Edgar swims asunder,
Stagg has got her mantle under,
Men.	Pooles in puddles slip and blunder,
	Hope has fled.
Ladies.	Each “creation” inundation
	Undergoes,
Do not think us shocking
If the frilling and the frocking
And the clocking of the stocking
	We expose!
Men.	What a climate! We could rhyme it,
	Say, with “jam”!
All.	Still the torrent’s swelling
In the flood there’s no repelling
With the ordinary spelling
	Of a dam!
There is a flash of lightening, after which Sombra, Chrysaea & Simplicitas appear.
Sombra	Is this England? This beautiful spot? We thank thee, Pan, for this great boon.
Chrysaea	Farewell, Time, look, he’s still a-flying. (She points and the Chorus all look up)
Mrs. Smith	Where? What’s she pointing at?
Smith	Why, Father Time up there! (Turns to see her) Maria!
Smith grabs her parasol and rushes off to hide behind the tree.
All	How did they get here, Who are they, Are the conjurors, etc.?
Sombra	Simplicitas! Where is Simplicitas?
Mrs. Smith	Are you looking for the young gentleman with the legs? He’s pinched my parasol and bolted.
Sombra	This troubles us. He was to have shown the way. You are all so strange.
All	Pretty girl, isn’t she?, Where’s the chap gone?, I never saw them come, etc.
Eileen	Can I help you? Is there anything you want?
Sombra	We want to transform England.
Jack	To transform –
Sombra	Yes, we want to set up the truth in England, and for ever more banish the lie.
All	(Pause) Pretty large order, what? They must be mad? They’re too pretty for Salvation girls, etc.
Mrs. Smith	I’m blessed if I can make it out. What are you? Corps de ballet or travelling circus?
Chrysaea	Let me talk to them. We are Arcadians.
Mrs. Smith	There! I knew it was an advertising dodge.
Chrysaea	We have come to give you truth and youth, and make you as beautiful as we are!
Mrs. Smith	Is it massage or a hair restorer?
Sombra	I will sing to them as we sing in Arcadia, with a clear voice and a light heart, that they may hear the message we bring to them.
SONG – SOMBRA
Far away in Arcady
	Summer never passes,
Warm the wind that wanders free
	Thro’ the bending grasses;
Sunbeams peeping through the shade
	Mint a golden treasure;
Dimpled Youth goes down the galde
	Hand in hand with pleasure!
Land of Love and land if Mirth,
Land where Peace and Joy had birth,
There the birds have ever sung;
	Arcady is ever young!
Flying nymph and laughing faun
	Sport amid the roses;
Flora, fresh with dewy dawn,
	Binds her fairest posies;
Beauty in the shining pool
	Mirrors all her graces
Where the lillies, white and cool,
	Lift their gleaming faces.
Land of Love and land if Mirth,
Land where Peace and Joy had birth,
There the birds have ever sung;
	Arcady is ever young!
Exeunt. Smith appears up the tree.
Smith	That was a close shave. I thought they were going to stop there telling lies all day. Now, where can I get a pair of trousers. (Before he can get down, he hears voices approaching)
Enter Mrs. Smith and Paddock.
Paddock	I tell you I want an understanding with Smith.
Mrs. Smith	Well, I tell you he’s gone abroad (They sit under the tree)
Paddock	And left you to wheedle twenty thousand pounds out of me for that failure of a hotel. But I don’t advance a brass farthing until it’s settled that I’m to marry your niece.
Mrs. Smith	Well, I’ll be glad enough when the engagement’s announced. I give you my word. For between you and me, my Jim was fearfully jealous of you.
Paddock	Jealous!
Mrs. Smith	Funny, ain’t it? He is an ass.
There is a crash, and Smith falls out of the tree into Paddock’s arms.
Paddock	I say! Here let’s have a look at you.
Mrs. Smith	Don’t hurt him! (Smith does his best to keep his face averted) Oh, what a beautiful boy!
Smith	(aside) She doesn’t know me!
Paddock	I must find Eileen (Exit)
Smith	And I must find some trousers.
He tries to rush off but Mrs. Smith catches him.
Mrs. Smith	I’ve got you now, my wild Arcadian boy. Come and sit beside me. You’re too shy and innocent to go about by yourself (He sits beside her and gives her a wink) You naughty boy! What’s your name?
Smith	Simplicitas!
Mrs. Smith	Simplicitas!
Smith	Yes, it sounds like a disinfectant, doesn’t it?
Mrs. Smith	Which of those ladies was Mrs. Simplicitas?
Smith	(Innocent) In Arcadia we do not know what Mrs. means.
Mrs. Smith	Naughty boy! You mustn’t say such things to me. I’m a married woman.
Smith	Art thou? I don’t believe it!
Mrs. Smith	I’ve taken a fancy to you. I’d like to take you up. You remind me of Jim (Smith looks agitated) That’s my husband. He’s away in foreign parts.
Smith	I see. And while the cat’s away the little mice whistle.
Mrs. Smith	You do remind me of my Jim – in his courting days, I mean. He used to call me his little jam roll.
Smith	Jam roll! (Aside) More like a steam roller now. (Putting his arm around her) Maria – do you know, I never knew you could be so nice
Mrs. Smith	Why, how did you know my name?
Smith	(Wagging finger, being roguish) Er – aah – that’s it!
Mrs. Smith	My wild Arcadian boy! Do you know, I like to hear you say Maria (She nudges him) You say it just like my Jim used to.
Smith	Oh, of course, if it’s understood I’m doing this for Jim – (Puts an arm around her)
Mrs. Smith	Oh, you are a frolic.
Smith	But the idea of deceiving your husband!
Mrs. Smith	Oh, never mind that. I can’t help liking you.
Smith	Well, buy me some trousers.
Mrs. Smith	(with the excitement of a new idea) Oh!
Smith	What have you sat on, dearie?
Mrs. Smith	I say, I do wish you’d let me put you up. We’ve got a big new hotel standing half empty. “Smith’s White Elephant”, they call it. If you’d come, all London would follow. They want a new craze.
Smith	That’s a good idea. There’s money in it. Maria, I’ll come. And Sombra and Chrysaea shall serve in the restaurant. We’ll call it “Arcadia in London”.
Mrs. Smith	And you can teach me to be Arcadian.
Smith	(Looking her up and down) They’d never get you down the well, Maria. There’s more of modern fat than Ancient Greece about you. But we’ll do our best!
SONG – SMITH
Dearest, let us hie away together
	Somewhere in the Backwoods of Beyond,
Far from London’s hubbubs,
And the seething of the suburbs,
	Somewhere with a willow and a pond.
Come where the birds are singing,
	Come where the skies are blue,
Come where the grass is wringing
	Wet with dew!
Come where the wavelet washes,
	Come where the hornets hum,
Come in your boots or your best goloshes,
Only come, come, come!
Sweetheart, let us wander on for ever
	Somewhere on the Borders of Between,
Let us build a grotto,
Such as Parkins hasn’t got, oh,
	Somewhere in the land of Might-have-been!
Come where the stream goes wending,
	Come ‘neath the drooping trees,
Come, let us catch them bending
	In the breeze!
Come where the lambkin capers
	Come where the doves yum yum,
Come, if you like, with your hair in papers,
Only come, come, come!
Exit Smith and Mrs. Smith at end of song. Enter Eileen & Bobbie, followed by Doody.
Doody	(to Bobbie) Good morning, sir!
Bobbie	Good morning, Doody. I say, have you seen Mr. Meadows?
Doody	Yes, I’ve just seen him with the nymphesses. He’s sticking to that dark one closer than a postage stamp.
Bobbie	Let’s go and detach him.
Doody	You’ll be in time for the race, sir? You’ll be wanting to see me start.
Bobbie	The question is, where are you going to finish.
Exit Bobbie, laughing.
Doody	In the ‘orspital, I expect. No flowers.
Eileen	Oh, I say, Mr. Doody, do you think the Deuce has any chance.
Doody	The Deuce, Miss? He’s the chanciest horse on the turf, but he’s a flier when nothing’s upset his temper.
Eileen	Is he in a good temper today?
Doody	Well, I didn’t like the look of his offside eye when I told him I was going to ride him. He threw his master this morning.
Eileen	Did he? Mr. Meadows never told me.
Doody	Perhaps not, but I heard him telling them Arcadian ladies. They seem very fond of Mr. Meadows – the dark one, especially. I should keep my eye on the dark one if I were you, miss.
Eileen	(Laughing) Why should I keep an eye on her?
Doody	Well, I’m only telling you, Miss. I have crossed in love myself, and know how easy it’s done.
Eileen	The jockey’s romance! Oh, Mr. Doody, you ought to write it! But hadn’t you better go and look after your horse? Now mind, you must win, for my sake. You shall wear my flower for luck (giving it).
Doody	That’s very sweet of you, Miss. It doesn’t look much like a flower, does it? It looks more like a bit of pickled cabbage. What might you call it?
Eileen	Love-lies-bleeding.
Doody	That’s what I expect to be doing in a minute. But I’ll wear it because it’s got such a cheerful name. It’s almost like an omen, isn’t it?
Eileen	You’re not looking very well, Mr. Doody. Aren’t you happy?
Doody	I’m not feeling much up to the mark, Miss, thanking you for the asking. It’s this wasting that does it.
Eileen	Wasting?
Doody	The starving to keep your weight down. It’s terrible what we have to put up with. You just take my lunch, for instance. I generally cut the crust of a round of toast, dip it in thin claret and water, and – give it to the dog. I remember a little jockey pal of mine when he was dying – of course, it was wasting as killed him – well, they sent for me to cheer him up a bit. There was nothing else handy, so I read him a couple of pages from the Network South West timetable. I had just read down to the four-forty from Gravesend to Bury St. Edmunds, and I could see he was sinking fast, so I says to him – “George” I says – his name was Bill, really, but I wanted to buck him up a bit. I says, “Is there any little favour I can do for you – any little request before you weigh out?” Well, Miss, he looks up at me and says “Yes. I’ve never had a square meal while I’ve been alive. Don’t trouble to send any flowers, but put a big tapioca pudding on my tombstone.”
Exit Doody. Enter Jack.
Jack	Ah, there you are. Bobby says you want me.
Eileen	Shure, he’s dreaming.
Jack	Maybe, then, he thought that I’d be wanting you.
Eileen	He couldn’t have thought that if he saw you with those Arcadian girls!
Jack	They’re very nice, aren’t they? But you can have too much simplicity and naturalness. I want a change
Eileen	Oh, thank you. That means that I am not simple and natural.
Jack	It means that you are an angel. Won’t you sit down. (They do) I say, do you believe in love at first sight?
Eileen	Is it a conundrum?
Jack	No, it’s what lawyers call a leading question. The correct answer is “yes”.
Eileen	But if I said “no”?
Jack	Then you lose the game! Let me ask you another question?
Eileen	Very well, just one more. (Holding up one finger. Jack takes hold of it, and then her hand)
Jack	No, I have two more. But I won’t ask the second till the Deuce has won the Corinthian Stakes.
Eileen	And if he doesn’t win?
Jack	He’s simply got to win, that’s all. Now, we’ll suppose he has won. Then if I were to propose to the nicest girl in the world, what would she say to me?
Eileen	(Withdrawing her hand) I don’t think I’m good at conundrums. Let us go back to the Arcadians.
Jack	No, I must go and look after my horse. But say that you’ll hope I’ll win.
Eileen	Of course I do.
Jack	Then if you really mean what I mean, I’ve already won all that’s worth winning.
DUET – JACK and EILEEN
Eileen.	You’re taking such good care of me,
I’m not inclined to set you free.
Jack.	There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To win a kindly word from you.
The Crowd begins to enter by two’s and three’s.
Eileen.	Oh, very well, then, I’ll admit
I like you – just a tiny bit!
Jack.	When I saw your face I vowed
You were the dearest – dash the crowd!
	It’s nice and warm,
I think that we shall have a lovely day.
Eileen.	Very, very warm for May.
Jack.	Eighty in the shade, they say.
Eileen.		Just fancy!
Jack.	It almost looks as though the sun had really come to stay!
Both.	Oh, what very charming weather.
The Crowd exits.
Jack.	Thank goodness, they have gone away
I’ve something I should like to say.
Eileen.	I want to hear it, I confess
I’m sure that I could never guess!
The Crowd begins to return, by two’s and three’s.
Jack.	It means the world to me although
The answer’s simply “Yes” or “No”.
Eileen.	You haven’t made it very plain –
Jack.	Oh, bother! – here they are again!
	It’s nice and warm,
I think that we shall have a lovely day.
Eileen.	Very, very warm for May.
Jack.	Eighty in the shade, they say.
Eileen.		Just fancy!
Jack.	It almost looks as though the sun had really come to stay!
Both.	Oh, what very charming weather.
The Crowd exits.
Enter an excited Bobbie shouting “Jack! Jack!” followed by an unperturbed Sombra.
Bobbie	Jack! The Deuce has savaged Doody! He cannot ride!
Jack	Oh, my infernal luck!
Bobbie	He’s nearly torn him to pieces, the brute!
Sombra	Oh, don’t say that. I am sure it was all a misunderstanding. The rider did not understand. That is why the horse bit him.
Jack	Anyway, that’s me out. I take the knock.
Eileen	Is it impossible to get anybody to ride him?
Jack	Nobody would be fool enough to try.
Sombra	If you want the horse to race, I will find a rider.
Jack	You?
Sombra	Yes, and he will win!
Jack	By Jove! If it could be!
Sombra	It is quite easy. I am so glad to do this for you.
Jack	If you can do this – well, I don’t know how I can ever thank you.
Sombra	Why, that is easy, too. Just kiss me as Astrophel kisses me.
Impetuously, he kisses her cheeck.
Eileen	Well!
Jack	(Realising what he has done) Oh! (crossing to her) You don’t know what that girl is going to do for me.
Eileen	It’s no strain to my imagination. I saw her.
Jack	If only you’d let me explain.
Eileen	Really, Mr. Meadows, there is no need to explain.
Sombra	(Oblivious) Your friend is troubled, but I am going to help him, because, you know, I love him.
Eileen	Oh, this is too much!
Jack	If you would only allow me to ask you -
Eileen	If I were you, Mr. Meadows, I would not ask any more questions today.
Jack	But the question I was going to ask you after the race?
Eileen	You’d better ask someone who is more likely to say “yes”.
Sombra	What is the matter?
Eileen	Conundrums are not in my line. You’d better ask Mr. Meadows. (Exits)
Sombra	But I do not understand.
Jack	(Torn between the two appeals) Oh, well, er – Bobbie, you explain it to her, while I explain it to the other one (Exits shouting “Miss Cavanagh!”).
Sombra	What does it mean?
Bobbie	(Most embarrassed) Oh, well, you know how it is. It will be all right. Er – er – excuse me, I must be going. (Exits).
Enter Smith.
Sombra	Ah, Simplicitas!
Smith	Ah, Sombra. List child, there is work for us to do.
Sombra	Yes, I know. The horse.
Smith	The horse? No, the restaurant, “The Arcadia”.
Sombra	But the Deuce – have you heard? Mr Meadows is in great trouble, and the Deuce is nearly broken-hearted.
Smith	Who told you so?
Sombra	The Deuce!
Smith	What? Oh, I had forgotten that dumb animals talk to us Arcadians. Go on.
Sombra	So I have promised him that he shall race. And the Deuce has promised that if a friend of mine rides him he will win.
Smith	The Deuce he did! You had better find someone quickly because we’re off.
Sombra	I have found someone.
Smith	Oh, good! Who?
Sombra	You!
Smith	What? Oh, no. (Indicating shorts) Not in these. I have never ridden a horse in my life.
Sombra	It’s nothing to do with the rider – it’s all arranged beforehand who will win.
Smith	Sombra, look here. If you’re going to slander the honour of the British turf, I won’t listen. Who arranges the winners? Don’t say it’s the Jockey Club?
Sombra	No, it’s the horses.
Smith	The horses? Who told you that?
Sombra	The Deuce did. He’s going to win.
Smith	(Feeling for his trouser pockets) Did he tell you what would be second and third?
Sombra	Yes. He will win by a short head from Bella the Virgin, and Cow’s Tail will be all behind and a bad third.
Smith	But won’t the Deuce throw me?
Sombra	No. He says you can go to sleep if you like. He will carry you home.
Smith	Good! I’ll do it!
Sombra	Now I must find Mr. Meadows and tell him the good news. (Exits)
Smith	(Loudly) I’ll ride the Deuce
Men	(Entering excitedly and slapping Smith on the back) What! You’ll ride the Deuce! Splendid! What a hero! Etc.
Percy	You deserve the Victoria Cross!
Smith	When you’ve finished beating the carpets!
Percy	Let’s go and see Meadows (The Men exit, talking excitedly)
Smith	(Calling off) Tell him I’ll ride a hedgehog!
Enter Doody, covered in mud and sticking plaster.
Doody	Have you seen anything of an ‘orse about here?
Smith	No. Excuse me asking the question, but what are you?
Doody	Well, a quarter of an hour ago I was a jockey. I’ve just had my last mount.
Smith	I’m just going to have my first. I’m going to ride a horse called the Deuce.
Doody	That’s a coincidence - me and ‘ims just had a bit of an argument. I thought I was going to ride him. He didn’t. I’m the result…
Smith	But I thought he was a quiet little thing.
Doody	So he is when you leave him alone. But he don’t like people to disturb him when he’s thinking. He’s killed four jockeys.
Smith	(Weakly) How many?
Doody	Four.
Smith	And five’s my unlucky number.
Doody	Here, you might as well have this (Giving him Eileen’s flower) It’s a flower a lady gave me to bring me luck.
Smith	Ah, that’s better. What do you call it?
Doody	She said it was something about lying on the ground and bleeding. (Exits)
Enter all the Ladies, led by Mrs. Smith carrying a scarf in Jack’s racing colours.
Mrs. Smith	Come along ladies. Here he is! Isn’t he brave. Let me look at my wild Arcadian hero, he is fair trembling to be off, ain’t you?
Smith	Yes, I’ll soon be off.
Enter Jack, Bobbie and the men.
Jack	Where is the chap? I say, this is awfully plucky of you.
Smith	Not at all!
Jack	Only one word. When you’re once on his back, don’t get off till you’ve won the race!
Smith	I shall have to get some Sellotape (Exits, accompanied by cries of “Good luck!”, etc.)
Enter Paddock, who is mobbed by people placing bets.
Paddock	I can’t take any more. My book’s full.
Mrs. Smith	Oh, put me another hundred on the Deuce.
Paddock	Not another penny. What on earth does it mean? Have they all gone mad?
FINALE ACT 2
The horses are out -
	See, there they go!
	The fun is about to start, and so
We hustle and screw
To get a good view,
	Or storm a position for seeing the show!
The starter is there,
	He takes his stand,
With business-like air,
	And flag in hand,
He’s lining them up,
To run for the cup,
He’s lining them up,
To run for the cup.
His orders are curt
	Though his manners are bland,
His orders are curt
	Though his manners are bland,
Are curt -
	Though his manners are bland!
Dialogue over music
Eileen	There they are. All in a line!
Jack	I say, Paddock, just look at your Bella. She is kicking in all directions. She is no lady. There is the Deuce standing like a perfect gentlman.
Mrs. Smith	And my hero sitting on him like patience on a tombstone.
Sombra	Yes, the Deuce is quiet enough now.
Bell.
Bobbie	They’re off!
All	They’re off! (Cheers)
Bobbie	Splendid start! All together!
Jack	But the Deuce! He’s left at the post!
Paddock	Left at the post? What a perfect gentleman!
All	Bella! Sapphira! Cow’s tail! Etc.
Percy	A hundred to one on Sapphira!
Mrs. Smith	It’s a swindle. We’ve all been had.
Bobbie	Just look at that crazy shepherd.
Eileen	What’s he doing?
Jack	He’s lying down on the horse’s head.
Doody	He’s going to sleep!
All	Bella! Sapphira! Cow’s tail! Etc.
Doody	Don’t beller. You’ll wake him.
Sombra	He’s not asleep. He is whispering to the dear horse.
Jack	See! The Deuce is off!
Bobbie	What if he is? He can’t catch ‘em up now. He’s got no earthly.
Mrs. Smith	He’s going like greased lightening.
Bobbie	Now for the fatal cropper. Now we shan’t be long.
Eileen	Look at Sapphira! Still leading!
Paddock	Bolting, you mean. Her jockey can’t hold her. That bend is an awful corner. She’ll throw him.
Bobbie	Sit tight, you blighter! Don’t lose your head or you’ll lose your seat.
All	Oh!
Paddock	Good heavens! She’s pitched him over the rails.
All	Bella! Cow’s tail! Etc.
Paddock	Come along Bella! Bella!
Bobbie	No. Cow’s tail leads! Cow’s tail wins!
Jack	Not yet. The Deuce is in it. He’s catching them up. They’re all in a bunch.
Bobbie	What’s that coming away there?
Paddock	Hooray! It’s my Bella, bless her! Come along! Bella! Bella! Bella!
All	Bella! Bella!
Percy	Sir George wins! Damn him, I’m on Cow’s Tail!
Paddock	Bella the Virgin!
Bobbie	Cow’s Tail!
All	Bella!
Mrs. Smith	See! The Deuce has caught up Cow’s Tail!
Paddock	What’s that?
Bobbie	Where?
Paddock	There? Next to my Bella!
Jack	It’s the deuce! He’s got her!
Eileen	They’re neck to neck!
Bobbie	They’re neck to neck!
All	The Deuce! The deuce! The Deuce!
Bobbie	Fifty to one on the Deuce.
Percy	The Deuce wins for a pony!
Paddock	She’s hugging the Deuce!
Jack	She’d like to, but he’s pulling away from her. He’s got his nose in front.
All	Here they come! Here they come!
Paddock	Bella! Bella! Bella!
All	The Deuce! The Deuce! The Deuce!
Bobbie, Jack & Percy	The Deuce wins!
All	Hooray! Etc. (The cheering continues as Smith is brought back in on the shoulders of two men, fast asleep).
CURTAIN

ACT 3
Scene – ‘The Arcadia’ restaurant, with everything arranged to give an artificial impression of Arcadia. Waitresses, dressed as nymphs, are discovered waiting on tables as the curtain rises.
OPENING CHORUS
Waitresses.	Plant your posies, rue and roses,
	Flowers of every hue;
Pink azaleas, crimson dahlias,
	Lilac white and blue.
See the bare trees, plum and pear trees,
	Nearing while you wait;
Good to look on, made to hook on,
	That’s Arcadia,
	Arcadia up-to-date.
	Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
	How does your garden grow?
With flowers and fruits without any roots
	From Messrs. X. Ottick & Co.!
	Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
	How does your garden grow?
With plants on hire, and roses on wire,
	And waitresses all in a row.
	Plant your posies, rue and roses,
	Flowers of every hue;
Pink azaleas, crimson dahlias,
	Lilac white and blue.
See the bare trees, plum and pear trees,
	Nearing while you wait;
Good to look on, made to hook on,
	That’s Arcadia,
	Arcadia up-to-date.
Good to look on, made to hook on,
	That’s Arcadia,
	Arcadia up-to-date.
Enter Young-Men-About-Town.
Men-about-Town.	Here they are, the dear little girls,
Sweet Arcadian peaches and pearls,
Dainty maids all blushes and curls,
	To flirt with and tease an banter!
Here’s a show that knocks into fits,
	Piccadilly, Carlton or Ritz!
Every chap who’s tried it admits
	It romps away in a canter!
Bobbie.	We are weary of Piccadilly,
For Arcadian life we yearn;
	If you’re willing to teach
	A pupil each
We’re ready to live and learn.
We’re fairly fed up with London,
From boredom we seek release,
	And we’re keen as a knife
	On the simple life –
Men.	The simple life!
Girls.	The simple life!
Bobbie.		We’re keen as a knife
	On the simple life
With a dear little nymph apiece.
Men.	A dear little nymph apiece.
Bobbie.	We want to be Arcadian,
	If you’ll kindly show the way,
	We want to start to-day
	Without the least delay,
In half a jiff we’ll join you if
	You’ll only show us how;
Women and wine we’ll all resign
For nymphs and nectar now!
All.	We/They want to be Arcadian,
	If you’ll/we’ll kindly show the way,
	We/They want to start to-day
	Without the least delay,
In half a jiff we’ll/they’ll join you/us if
	You’ll/We’ll only show us/them how;
Women and wine we’ll/they’ll all resign
For nymphs and nectar now!
Percy	So this is the Arcadia
Bobbie	Yes, they’ve made it the most swagger restaurant in London.
Percy	(To Chrysaea) Oh, can you tell me where the Arcadian girls hang out?
Chrysaea	I’m an Arcadian girl.
Bobbie	I say, I wish you’d let me show you round the town!
Chrysaea	Thanks, I know it all. Of all the cities in the world, I like London best.
SONG – CHRYSAEA
	When first I came to London town
I thought it ugly, old and brown,
	The people, too,
	Were bad all through,
That’s what I thought, you see!
But on acquaintanceship I find
The London men are good and kind,
	For when I meet
	Them in the street
They always smile at me!
		I like London,
	I like Town,
I cannot understand why people
	Run it down!
Although it does the wicked things,
And leaves the good things undone,
I’m very, very fond of London!
	Each man who comes within my reach
I do my very best to teach
	That Love is king
	Of ev’rything,
To which they all agree!
The rudiments they learn at once,
I haven’t met a single dunce;
	The kissing part
	They know by heart –
They start by loving me!
		I like London,
	I like Town,
I cannot understand why people
	Run it down!
Although it does the wicked things,
And leaves the good things undone,
I’m very, very fond of London!
Exeunt. Enter Mrs. Smith & Paddock.
Paddock	Congratulations! This looks successful.
Mrs. Smith	Yes, Mr. Simplicitas seems to have turned Smith’s White Elephant into a goose with golden eggs.
Paddock	What do you call this room?
Mrs. Smith	Oh, this is the bower of love. It’s designed after a famous pleasure resort in Arcadia, where Mr. Simplicitas used to spend most of his evenings.
Paddock	He doesn’t seem to spend them here now. I meet him all over town.
Mrs. Smith	Yes, he’s very busy with his propagander, as he calls it. This is the Well of Truth, copied from one where he used to bathe as a boy in Arcadia.
Paddock	Ah, I should think he’s learning the English trick now, of leaving well alone.
Mrs. Smith	Oh no! Mr. Simplicitas dursn’t tell a lie. If he did, he’d fall into the well and lose all his pretty ways.
Paddock	It’d be a pity to lose his pretty way of playing bridge. I lost a hundred to him last night.
He turns and see Sombra.
Mrs. Smith	Last night? Bridge?
Paddock	You must excuse me – I must find Eileen. I’m having supper with her – mustn’t keep a lady waiting, you know (Exits).
Sombra	What does he mean about Simplictas?
Mrs. Smith	Yes, I’ve got a few questions to ask about that.
Sombra	Why cannot they understand the truth of life we come here to teach?
Mrs. Smith	I’m sure we’re doing very well. Mr. Simplicitas says it’s the very picture of Arcadia.
Sombra	No. In Arcadia the trees and flowers used to love me and talk to me, but these flowers have no voices, these trees no kindly faces. It is all false. (Exits)
Mrs. Smith	Well, you can’t call Mr. Gannymede false. I’m sure he’s Arcadian enough for anybody.
Enter Doody dressed as an Arcadian. Mrs. Smith bursts out laughing.
Doody	Oh, it’s very funny, isn’t it? Maria, I blame you for this. I can’t stand it. I ask you a simple question, as man to man. Do I look like an Arcadian?
Mrs. Smith	I don’t know what you look like. Turn round. (He does so. He wears a small skin as a sporran, which she lifts.) What’s this? Peter, it’s Tibbles! Poor little Tibbles!
Doody	How do you know it’s Tibbles?
Mrs. Smith	I know him by the stripe down his back.
Doody	My word, he has altered. He’s lost all his expression!
Mrs. Smith	No wonder he didn’t come home for dinner when I called him.
Doody	Well, he was the only bit of meat in the place. He had to go.
Mrs. Smith	You said you wanted to be in the restaurant.
Doody	Restaurant! More like a high-class greengrocers. When I came here I didn’t expect to be dressed like Robinson Crusoe and fed on nuts.
Mrs. Smith	Well, I’ll see what Mr. Simplicitas can do for you.
Doody	Yes, a nice simple lifer he is. I’m a bit of gay Lothario myself, but he can give me the apprentice allowance and then romp in.
Mrs. Smith	You don’t think he’s deceiving me, do you, Peter?
Doody	I don’t know about deceiving you, but I’ve told lies for him till I’ve got clergyman’s sore throat.
Mrs. Smith	Well, I’ve had about enough of it. He stays out all night -
Doody	Does nothing all day -
Mrs. Smith	Hasn’t a minute to spare for me -
Doody	Hugs other women by the hour!
Mrs. Smith	I’ll bundle him out!
Doody	This very minute.
Mrs. Smith	With his slippery ways –
Doody	His false heart!
Mrs. Smith	His extravagant clothes -
Doody	His padded legs -
Mrs. Smith	His – (Pause) No, Peter, his legs ain’t padded. His legs was the first thing that took my fancy. I wish you hadn’t reminded me of his legs.
Doody	Look here, Maria, it sounds to me like you’re in love with Simplicitas.
Mrs. Smith	Oh, Peter, I’m afraid I am. Oh, my guilty passion! (She falls weeping on Doody’s shoulder)
Doody	That’s right! Let yourself go! You’ve been crossed in love, and so have I. You’ve been blighted and I’ve been blighted. We’re nothing but a couple of blighters! (Exeunt together)
Enter Bobbie, followed by Jack, backing on from another entrance.
Bobbie	Hullo, Jack! Seen a ghost?
Jack	Bobbie, she’s here!
Bobbie	Who?
Jack	Eileen. But every time I try to get a word with her, I find myself face to face with Paddock.
Bobbie	Here she comes! And no Paddock!
Jack	Clear out, then! I must speak to her alone.
Bobbie	Leave it to me!
Exit Bobbie. Enter Eileen.
Eileen	(Sees Jack) Oh! Good evening. Do you come here often.
Jack	Yes, pretty often.
Eileen	These Arcadian girls are very pretty, aren’t they?
Jack	I don’t think I’ve noticed.
Eileen	You were more noticing at Askwood! I suppose you’re quite converted to this new cult of the simple life?
Jack	Yes, ever since Askwood I’ve been simply mad about – er – it. You know, nuts, bananas, and truth, and simplicity and all that sort of thing. By the way, we never had that Arcadian banquet you promised me. Let us have it now.
Eileen	Thanks, I’m already engaged.
Jack	Well, can’t you make an appointment? (Music cue)
Eileen	Is it possible for you to tear yourself away from all this – and -
Jack	Yes, and never think of it. All I want is to be with you!
DUET – JACK and EILEEN
Jack.	Tell me when you’ve got an hour to spare,
Then we’ll fix up when to meet and where.
Eileen.	I should like to make it very soon –
Say, perhaps, to-morrow afternoon,
Both.	We’ll compare engagement books, and see
What day both of us are free.
Jack.	On Monday -
Eileen.		I must go shopping.
Jack.	On Tuesday -
Eileen.		I’ve calls to pay.
Jack.	On Wednesday -
Eileen.		I’m asked out to luncheon.
Jack.	On Thursday -
Eileen.		I’m booked all day.
Jack.	On Friday -
Eileen.		I’ve heaps of appointments
Which somehow I must get through –
But I’ve nothing much to do on Saturday,
Both.	So I’ll meet you at half-past two!
During the symphony they bring a table and chairs down, then sit, all in time to the music.
Eileen.	Shall I come and meet you all alone,
Or do you think I need a chaperone?
Jack.	Chaperons would never be allowed,
Three is always such a fearful crowd!
What about the place of rendezvous?
Eileen.	That’s a thing I leave to you.
Jack.	I’ll meet you at Hyde Park Corner – (Eileen shakes her head)
I’ll meet you in Rotten Row – (Eileen shakes her head)
Eileen.	We might try the British Museum, (Jack looks dubious)
But perhaps that’s a trifle slow -
Jack.	Shall we go to the Tower of London? – 
					(Eileen shakes her head)
Unless you prefer the Zoo?
Eileen.	Why, the animals are fed on Saturday.
Both.	So we’ll lunch there are half-past two!
Dance.
	Oh, I am looking forward to Saturday,
And I’ll meet you (on pause, kiss) at half-past two!
Enter Doody. He comes to their table.
Doody	Any orders?
Jack	Oh, yes. (To Eileen) Would you like some peaches? (To Doody) Bring us some peaches. Two peaches!
Doody	Two peaches!
Eileen	Why, it’s Mr. Doody!
Doody	How are you, Miss? We don’t see much of you here, do we?
Jack	No, and we don’t want to see much of you.
Doody	Mr. Meadows will have his little joke, Miss. Me an ‘ims the life of the place, we are. (Exits)
Jack	You remember the question I was going to ask you at Askwood? I’ve never had a chance to get near you since. But I must ask you –
Re-enter Doody with two Waitresses.
Jack	What the devil have you got there?
Doody	The two peaches, sir.
Jack	(Aside) Take them away, man.
Doody	Don’t you want ‘em, sir?
Jack	Of course I don’t!
Doody	Go away, girls. Get back on the ice. (To Eileen) I’m awfully sorry, Miss. It’s my fault, but you know Miss, Mr. Meadows does have such fun with our girls. He calls them all his little peaches. (To Jack) I haven’t given you away, have I?
Jack	Given me away! (He makes as to hit Doody, who flies off)
Enter Paddock.
Paddock	Oh, you’re here, then. So this is your game, Mr. Meadows?
Eileen	Nonsense, Mr. Meadows only comes here for peaches. No more racing and betting and “that sort of thing”. Nothing but peaches, and all “that sort of thing”.
Jack	Oh! (Exits in a rage)
Paddock	I say, Miss Cavanagh, that badinage of yours was simply delightful. Supper is ready. (Offers his arm) Allow me. (Exits with Eileen)
Enter Chorus.
CHORUS
Chorus.	Cheer for Simplicitas, cheer!
Tell him Belgravia’s here,
	Eagerly clamouring,
	Shouting and hammering,
Waiting for him to appear!
	Tell him we won’t go away,
Go to our hero and say:
We of the Smart Set,
Have all got our hearts set
On seeing our idol to-day!
Ladies.	Come, we entreat,
	All the élite
Ladies of London are here at your feet!
Men.		Jolly old sport,
	You’re a good sort!
Don’t disappoint us, the time’s getting short!
Enter Smith, who greets everyone.
Chorus.	Cheer for Simplicitas, cheer!
Tell him Belgravia’s here,
	Eagerly clamouring,
	Shouting and hammering,
Waiting for him to appear!
	Tell him we won’t go away,
Go to our hero and say:
We of the Smart Set,
Have all got our hearts set
On seeing our idol to-day!
Give him a cheer, a cheer, a cheer, a cheer!
Smith	Ah, ladies, I hope I haven’t kept you waiting.
Lady Barclay	Only an hour or two.
Smith	I’m so sorry, but there’s been a bit of a run on me today.
SONG – SMITH
Smith.	You’ve heard of me, of course,
	I’m London’s latest whim!
I’ve made a hit, in fact I’m It,
	Or rather, I am Him.
The girls all chase me round;
	I’ve not an hour to spare.
And when I wish to be alone
They ring me up by telephone,
“O naughty one, Mayfair.”
Chorus.	“O naughty one, Mayfair.”
Smith.	And ladies whisper, “Are you there?”
O naughty, naughty one, Mayfair!”
	All down Piccadilly, dilly, dilly, dilly,
	Round by the Park,
You’ll see ladies running after little Willie,
	Till it gets dark.
I just simply shilly-shally, shally-shilly,
	I’m fancy free –
So, though they try to win and woo me,
Though in thousands they pursue me,
	They can’t catch me!
Chorus.	All down Piccadilly, etc.
Smith.	With Lady Vere de Vere
	I’m quite a household pet,
I’ve been pursued by Ermyntrude
	And kissed by violet!
With Ethelwyn and Maud,
	I’m very much all there.
And Christabel rang up to say,
“Come round to lunch at Holloway,
O naughty one, Mayfair.”
Chorus.	“O naughty one, Mayfair.”
Smith.	Her feeding tube she wants to share
With naughty, naughty one, Mayfair!”
	All down Piccadilly, dilly, dilly, dilly,
	Round by the Park,
You’ll see ladies running after little Willie,
	Till it gets dark.
I just simply shilly-shally, shally-shilly,
	I’m fancy free –
So, even if they “Suffragette” me,
I don’t think they’ll ever get me,
	They can’t catch me!
Chorus.	All down Piccadilly, etc.
Exeunt. Manet Smith.
Smith	I’m having the time of my life! Half London at my feet and the other half round my neck! But there is one little drawback. I mustn’t tell a lie, and the strain is telling on me. If I could only put my hand on a good, solid, substantial liar! (Enter Jack) Hullo, Jack! I was just thinking about you. I once did you a rather good turn, didn’t I?
Jack	You did! I haven’t forgotten. You rode my horse.
Smith	And we won. (They shake hands) Now I’m in a bit of a fix myself. You see, Sombra and Chrysaea are so inquisitive. There are a lot of things they don’t know.
Jack	And a lot of things you don’t want them to know.
Smith	Now, in case they ask me awkward questions, I want you to back me up.
Enter Sombra at back.
Jack	Certainly!
Smith	(Shaking hands) OK! That’s a bet!
Sombra	Simplicitas. I have been looking for you everywhere.
Smith	We never go there now.
Sombra	We have been so anxious. People say that you do not seek the truth.
Smith	Sombra, you wound me. I will not attempt to vindicate myself. I will leave it to another (Signals to Jack). Now, sir, tell yon fair maid, did we not go last night to all the places where the simple life was most needed?
Jack	Certainly.
Smith	Did I not wrestle in the spirit with the swain of those places, and uplift my voice in the halls of music.
Jack	You did.
Smith	And when the sun was rising in the east, did I desist?
Jack	No.
Smith	No! A thousand times no! (Aside) I shall believe it myself in a minute!
Sombra	Oh, Jack, and you also worked all night to help the truth?
Enter Eileen and Bobbie.
Jack	Yes, I – no, hang it all! (Upset at deceiving her)
Sombra	How could we ever have doubted? Dear Simplicitas! I trust and believe you, Jack, as I trust and believe my brother Astrophel.
Jack	That’s all right.
Sombra lifts her head and he kisses her, seen by Eileen. Exit Sombra.
Jack	She’s a nice little – (Sees Eileen) Oh! I was just –
Eileen	What, again.
Jack	Yes, but you don’t understand.
Eileen	I understand perfectly. More of your simple Arcadian games.
Jack	No, really, this wasn’t a game. You know what these Arcadians are. Now then, Simplicitas, didn’t I specially ask the girl not to kiss me?
Smith	Certainly not. I must not tell a lie!
Eileen	Oh, this is too much. I have nothing to do with your dissipations, but I despise a man who’d try to screen himself by tempting this honest, simple fellow to falsehood.
Jack	But, Eileen –
Eileen	Don’t speak to me again. (Exits)
Jack grabs Smith and waves a fist in his face, followed by Bobbie.
Jack	So you’re the simple, honest fellow whom I’ve beguiled to falsehood.
Bobbie	Let me tear him limb from limb.
Smith	Not in these trousers.
Jack	Wait till I’ve broken every bone in his body.
Smith	You can’t. I’ve been filleted. Now, gents, don’t get excited. Look at me. I’m not angry. Why? Because I always tell the truth. If I need a little convenience of the other sort, I appeal to my friends. Take my word for it, lying is always better done by proxy.
TRIO – JACK, BOBBIE and SMITH
Jack.	Though Truth is not in great demand
For daily use throughout the land,
	So high our moral bias is
	That ways like Ananias’s
We cannot understand!
Bobbie.	Although when you are in a hole
A falsehood plays a useful rôle:
Smith.	To meet all such discrepancies,
We find a fine of threepence is
Effective as a toll,
All.	It’s most effective as a toll.
Truth is so beautiful, if only people would believe it,
Though rather difficult, with perseverance you’ll achieve it;
Even Society with toleration will receive it;
	So, if it really doesn’t hurt you,
					Do tell the truth!
Jack.	Where lovely woman reigns supreme,
Of falsehood one would never dream,
	Yet scandal, by some oddity,
	When giving anybody tea,
Appears to add the cream!
Bobbie.	So, ladies, who the truth amend
And fact with fiction freely blend,
Smith.	Incumbent upon you it is,
to check such incongruities
When you discuss a friend,
All.	When you discuss, discuss a friend.
Truth is so beautiful, if only people would believe it,
Though rather difficult, with perseverance you’ll achieve it;
Even Society with toleration will receive it;
	So, if it really doesn’t hurt you,
					Do tell the truth!
Dance.
	So, if it really doesn’t hurt you,
					Do tell the truth!
Exeunt. Enter Doody, followed by Chrysaea.
Chrysaea	One of the customers complained that these nuts are hollow.
Doody	Well, tell him it’s a hollow world. Now, I’ve been thinking things over. You look a nice, quiet, respectable sort of girl. I’m going to better your position. To start off with – how would you like to marry me?
Chrysaea	(Laughing) I marry you? Never.
Doody	There’s no need for any ribald mirth. If you’re not careful, you’ll be left on the shelf, and then you will think of that old motto “A tooth in the head is worth two on the washstand.”
Chrysaea	Poor Gannymede! (Exits)
Doody	What’s she laughing at? I’m too merry and bright, that’s what’s the matter with me. I must really settle down and try to become more serious.
SONG – DOODY
I’ve always been, since quite a lad,
Cheery and gay when things were bad –
That is a way I’ve always ‘ad -
	I look on the bright side!
I’ve gotter motter –
Always merry and bright!
	Look around and you will find
	Every cloud is silver lined;
The sun will shine
Although the sky’s a gray one.
	I’ve often said to meself, I’ve said,
	“Cheer up, Cully, you’ll soon be dead!
	A short life and a gay one!”
Trouble may be upon the mat,
I never care two straws for that,
I simply whistle and cock my hat -
	I’m horribly reckless!
I’ve gotter motter –
Always merry and bright!
	Look around and you will find
	Every cloud is silver lined;
The sun will shine
Although the sky’s a gray one.
	I’ve often said to meself, I’ve said,
	“Cheer up, Cully, you’ll soon be dead!
	A short life and a gay one!”
	Tra, la la la la la, la la!
		[Encore]
Frolic and mirth hold sway with me,
But when I suffer from ennui,
I go across to Gay Paree,
	Maid, oui, je ne pense pas.
Je ai un motter –
Toujours joli et gai!
	Look around and then voila!
Everything’s comme ci, comme ca.
	My accent is
	A tout a fait Français one.
I’m pomme de terre and I’m comme il faut,
And I think that’s just about all I know,
	Une courte vie et une gai one!
	Ooh, la la la la la, la la!
Exit Doody. enter Eileen and Sombra.
Eileen	You’re sure you’re not in love with him?
Sombra	We love all men, but we are in love, as you mean it, with none.
Eileen	But then, why kiss him?
Sombra	Why don’t you?
Eileen	Because – because -
Sombra	Because you are in love, I think. That’s the difference. He is coming (Enter Jack) Eileen wants to speak to you. (To Eileen) Go to him.
Eileen	I can’t. He ought to speak first.
Sombra	(To Jack) Go to her.
Jack	I can’t. She ought to speak first.
Sombra	Then I must speak for both. Let me bring you together (She joins their hands). I know the folly and pain of jealousy, Simplicitas brought it to Arcadia, and I have brought it back to you. It is a false thing, born of pride and selfishness. They do not need the light. The lovelight in their eyes is all they need. (Blackout)
Eileen	Oh, the light has gone out.
Jack	Never mind, I’ll strike a match. (He does so). How pretty you are!
Eileen	In the dark?
Jack	In any light. Eileen, can you give me the answer to the question I promised to ask you if the Deuce won? (Going to embrace her)
Eileen	(Holding out hand to hold him off) There’s my hand
Jack	You give it to me?
Eileen	Not till you’ve asked for it.
Jack	Oh, if that’s all you’re waiting for, why, you know I love you.
Eileen	How can I know. You never said so.
Jack	Haven’t I? Then I will. (They embrace)
Sombra	I think the darkness has served its turn. (Lights up)
Jack and Eileen spring apart and run off laughingly.
Sombra	They are happy. That is good. Chrysaea and I will go back, back to the whispering trees, the murmuring brooks, and the deep, dark earth of Arcadia.
SONG – SOMBRA
Here amid the city’s clamour
	Wearily I turn away,
Yearning for the green wood’s glamour,
	Where the lights and shadows play.
Like a bird my heart flies homing,
	Oh, to be in Arcady!
Once again in fancy roaming
	How it all comes back to me.
Sunshine in flood
	And in murmur of bees,
Blossom and bud
	And the song of the breeze.
Dear Mother-land from the world set apart,
Oh, take me back once again to my home in your heart.
Here amid the lights and laughter
	I recall the twilight haze.
And the hush that follows after
	Thro’ the fragrant woodland ways.
London’s pomp and pride and pleasure
	Leaves me sad at heart and sore;
Deep within my heart I treasure
	Arcady’s more simple lore.
Sunshine in flood
	And in murmur of bees,
Blossom and bud
	And the song of the breeze.
Dear Mother-land from the world set apart,
Oh, take me back once again to my home in your heart.
Enter Mrs. Smith followed by Paddock.
Paddock	So here you are. A pretty muddle you’ve made of it.
Mrs. Smith	What’s wrong?
Paddock	What’s wrong? Oh, there’s nothing wrong. Except that Eileen has just told me that she’s engaged to that fellow, Meadows.
Sombra	Yes, I have brought them together.
Paddock	Confound you and you meddling!
Mrs. Smith	I’m very sorry, Sir George –
Paddock	Sorry? Sorry be hanged! You’re feathering your nest and making money out of these Arcadians, but –
Sombra	Money?
Paddock	Yes. You’ve been exploited and at the cheapest rate. Do you think anyone cares twopence for the simple life or believes what you preach? If I ever saw an impostor in all my life, Simplicitas is the biggest. What a satisfaction it would be to wring his infernal neck. And so, good night – to the lot of you! (Exits – straight into the path of an entering Doody.)
Sombra	Do you think Simplicitas would deceive me? He told the lie when he first came to Arcadia, but we thought we had cured him when we put him down the well.
Mrs. Smith	Down the well?
Sombra	Yes, the well of truth. It changed all his outward shape, and we thought it had changed his heart. He was old and wrinkled, and the hair which should have been on his head was on his face.
Doody	Whiskers! Where did he come from?
Sombra	He came from London on the wings of a great white bird which flew fast and yet had no life.
Doody	A hairyoplane.
Mrs. Smith	Did he mention a wife?
Sombra	No, he only said something about an old woman.
Doody	And did he say his name was Simplicitas?
Sombra	No, we called him that because we thought we had made him truthful. I see now that your people cannot understand what is simple, not accept the truth without making a show of it. (Exits)
Mrs. Smith	Peter, it’s Jim!
Doody	That’s what I think. If it is ‘im, you leave it to me. I’ve got an idea.
Enter Smith, singing.
Smith	Ah, there she is! Come to my arms!
Doody	Here, stop that. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Don’t you know that Jim Smith, her husband, came home last night.
Smith	Last night! Last night! (Crosses to Mrs. Smith) Why, you – it’s worse than bigamy. I’ll have a divorce.
Doody	Why should you worry?
Smith	Do you think I’ll let my wife go to my husband – my husband go to another man’s wife – when another man’s – Madam! Do you know who you’re talking to?
Mrs. Smith	No, but you talk just like my Jim, when he told us that someone pushed him down a well and stole his whiskers.
Smith	Whiskers? (He backs towards the well)
Doody	Perhaps you left your whiskers down there!
Smith	I never had any whiskers. Oh! I’ve told a lie! (He falls backwards into the well)
Mrs. Smith	Peter! Peter! He’ll drown!
General entrance of everyone else.
All	I thought I heard a scream! What is it! Somebody down the well? etc.
Doody	It’s all right. He’s got to come up three times.
Sombra	Come, Chrysaea, let us go away from this place.
Chrysaea	What is the matter?
Doody	He’s been up twice!
Eileen	Auntie, what’s the matter?
Mrs. Smith	It’s your uncle, my dear, it’s Jim!
Doody	Look out! Here he is!
Smith comes out of the well restored to his former self.
All	Smith!
Mrs. Smith	It is Jim! My husband! And I kissed him! Oh, the shame of it!
Smith	Maria!
Mrs. Smith	And so it was you carrying on with those nymphs.
Smith	And what about you carrying on with me?
Mrs. Smith	Well, Jim -
Smith	Better call it quits, Maria.
Sombra	He has come back to his people. Let us go to ours. Come, Chrysaea, the Pipes of Pan are calling. Our mission to England has failed.
Eileen	Don’t say that. Shure now, haven’t you brought us together?
Smith	And you’ve taught the rest of us a very valuable lesson. No matter what the circumstances, if it doesn’t get you into trouble…
Bobbie & Paddock	If it doesn’t lose you money…
Jack	If it doesn’t upset the one you love…
Mrs. Smith	If it doesn’t ruin your marriage…
Doody	And if it keeps you cheerful…
All	Always tell the truth!
FINALE ACT III
Truth is so beautiful, if only people would believe it,
Though rather difficult, with perseverance you’ll achieve it;
Even Society with toleration will receive it;
	So, if it really doesn’t hurt you,
					Do tell the truth!
All down Picadilly, dilly, dilly, dilly,
	Round by the Park,
No more ladies running after little Willie,
	Till it gets dark.
We’re tired of this shilly-shally, shally-shilly,
	We’re fancy free!
So, let’s behave like Cockney’s ought ‘ter - 
Let’s put whisky in our water!
	London’s for me!
CURTAIN

ORIGINAL ENDING
Smith	Maria!
Mrs. Smith	And so it was you carrying on with those nymphs.
Smith	And what about you carrying on with me?
Mrs. Smith	Well, Jim -
Smith	Better call it quits, Maria.
Sombra	He has come back to his people. Let us go to ours. Come, Chrysaea, the Pipes of Pan are calling. Our mission to England has failed.
Eileen	Don’t say that. Shure now, haven’t you brought us together?
Smith	I’ve lost Arcadia and Eternal Youth, but when I look at you, Maria, I feel younger than ever.
Finale
	All down Piccadilly, dilly, dilly, dilly,
	Round by the Park,
You’ll see ladies running after little Willie,
	Till it gets dark.
I just simply shilly-shally, shally-shilly,
	I’m fancy free –
So, though they try to win and woo me,
Though in thousands they pursue me,
	They can’t catch me!
CURTAIN