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No. 9 - Song - Meebles - "I put this question to the witness."


Meebles: When first I practised at the Bar,
And earned a reputation,
I found my strongest line, by far,
Was cross-examination.
I made a witness simply squirm,
And wriggle like the early worm;
I'd talk at him an hour or so,
Then say, "Now answer, Yes or No!"
For instance: just to make it plain,
A boy has smash'd a window pane:
(spoken:) Well I put this question to the witness...
On or about the fifteenth ult.
You, with your little catapult...
Now are you sure and quite convinced
That it was not the sixteenth inst.?
Or, in-as-much as I may state,
By Ninety Vic. Cap. Thirty-eight,
Herein-before, and as-to-what:
Now, did you sir, or did you not?
(spoken:) Don't stand there sucking bulls-eyes, my lad.
Carried out!
  When there's a lady in the case,
Quite young and rather pretty,
Then you would see my smiling face
Express paternal pity.
I would not vex her little soul
With any legal rigmarole;
I tried to make my questions clear,
And said, "Now take your time, my dear!"
Suppose that at or after dark
She'd been canoodling in the park:
(spoken:) Well I put this question to the witness...
By or beside the Serpentine,
At eight-fifteen or twenty-nine,
You were observe'd with him, or them,
On Tuesday evening a. p. m.!
With force of arms you did, in short,
Which notwithstanding (Laugh in Court),
As these indentures signify,
Now, will you tell the jury why?
(spoken:) Don't worry about your lip-salve, my dear.
  When I was dealing with a man
Who tried to brag and bluster,
I turned as nasty as I can,
I wrung him like a duster!
I'd bang the desk,
I'd roar and shout,
I'd turn his answers inside out;
And if he dared to cough or sniff,
I said "Don't argue! tell me if..."
We'll say some rude and raucous gent
Was tried for "loit'ring with intent."
(spoken:) Well I put this question to the witness...
Now on the thirty-second prox.,
To wit: don't jump about the box!
Namely and as you did engage
Conjointly, all that messuage;
Rex versus Jones, the judgement shows,
The mortgagee: don't blow your nose!
As per the schedule now appears
To him and his assigns (loud cheers)
(spoken:) Don't throw your boot at me, Sir!

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