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No. 14: Duet (Woodpecker & Bunthunder)
To MIDI File

Enter WOODPECKER L., with several hats in one hand, and the specimen in the other.

Woodpecker.
  I've come across hats of all colours and sorts,
    But none like this specimen, demme!

Enter BUNTHUNDER L.

Bunthunder. (seizing him)
  Thief! Burglar! Away to the Criminal Courts,
    With your skeleton keys and your jemmy!
Woodpecker.
  Excuse me, you're really mistaken in that —
    I'll prove it, if patient you'll be, sir:
  This morning my horse ate a young lady's hat —
Bunthunder.
    Well, what does that matter to me, sir?
Woodpecker.
  But she's now at my lodgings — and leave 'em she won't
    Until I've procured her another!
Bunthunder.
  By all that is prudent and proper, why don't
    The young lady go home to her mother?
Woodpecker.
    Mother?
Bunthunder.
    Mother!
  Already too long she has tarried —
    Why don't the young widow withdraw?
Woodpecker.
    Young widow?
Bunthunder.
    Young widow!
Woodpecker.
  Young widow? good gracious, she's married,
    And her husband can claim her by law!
Bunthunder. (tickled)
    Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Sly dog!
    (Digging WOODPECKER in the ribs.)
Woodpecker. (same business)
    Sly dog! Ha, ha! Ho, ho!
Both.
    Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Sly dog!
Ha, ha! Sly dog! Ha, ha! Ho, ho!

Woodpecker.
  Now, her husband's a jealous old fellow,
    A savage old Tartar, no doubt,
  A middle-class, white-washed Othello —
    One leg in the grave, and one out —
Bunthunder. (amused)
    Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Sly dog!
Woodpecker.
    Sly dog! Ha, ha! Ho, ho!
Both.
    Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Sly dog!
Ha, ha! Sly dog! Ha, ha! Ho, ho!

Woodpecker.
  Now, you'd think he'd abuse her or thrash her,
    Just to give her a kind of a fright.
(Parlante ad lib.)
  My dear sir, he'd simply and silently smasher her!
Bunthunder. (emphatically)
    And, by George, he'd be perfectly right!
    Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Sly dog!
Woodpecker.
    Sly dog! Ha, ha! Ho, ho!
Both.
    Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Sly dog!
Ha, ha! Sly dog! Ha, ha! Ho, ho!

Woodpecker.
  Now, assist me if you could be brought to,
    We'd hoodwink Othello, I bet —
Bunthunder.
  No, really I don't think I ought to,
    I don't think I ought to — and yet —
    Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Sly dog!
Woodpecker.
    Sly dog! Ha, ha! Ho, ho!
Both.
    Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Sly dog!
Ha, ha! Sly dog! Ha, ha! Ho, ho!

Woodpecker. (producing specimen)
  Here are the fragments — decorated they,
    With choicest gifts of Flora's.
Bunthunder. (recognising it )
  By all the blighting tricks that devils play,
    That hat is Leonora's!
(Pointing to name in hat).
    Her name, sir — Leonora's!
Woodpecker.
    Quite right, it's Leonora's.
    Ha, ha! Ho, ho! Sly dog!
Bunthunder. (recognising it )
    Be quiet, sir! Be quiet, sir!
(Quasi parlate).
  The married lady
For whom, with motives base and shady,
    A furnished lodging you've provided,
Turns out to be my wife misguided!
Woodpecker.
    What!
  With sheer bad luck my lot is reeking;
The hat that all day I've been seeking
    Turns out to be the hat ill-fated.
My horse this morning masticated!
Bunthunder.
    What!

Woodpecker. Bunthunder (seizing him).
  Cease your fury!   Fire and fury!
    Judge in ermine     Judge in ermine
  My injury   (With a jury)
    Shall determine!     Shall determine
  Your remarks are clearly wrong, sir —   How to treat this social wrong, sir —
  Much too strong, sir — much too strong, sir!   Come along, sir — come along, sir!
  Cease your fury!   Fire and fury!
    Judge in ermine     Judge in ermine
  My injury   (With a jury)
    Shall determine!     Shall determine
  Your remarks are clearly wrong, sir —   How to treat this social wrong, sir —
  Much too strong, sir — much too strong, sir!   Come along, sir — come along, sir!

BUNTHUNDER drags WOODPECKER off L. Music changes to "Haste to the
Wedding." The wedding party enter
C., dance in couples across the stage, after them, BOPADDY last with the doll's head.

SCENE CHANGE

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