THE TWO MAJORS
                      by W. S. Gilbert

An excellent soldier who's worthy the name, 
   Loves officers dashing and strict:
When good, he's content with escaping all blame,
   When naughty, he likes to be licked.

He likes for a fault to be bullied and stormed,
   Or imprisioned for several days; 
And hates, for a duty correctly performed,
   To be slavered with sickening praise.

No officer sickened with praises his corps
   So little as MAJOR LA GUERRE--
No officers swore at his warriors more
   Than MAJOR MAKREDI PREPERE.

Their soldiers adored them, and every grade
   Delighted to hear them abuse;
Though whenever these officers came on parade,
   They shivered and shook in their shoes.

"No doubt we deserve it--no mercy we crave--
   Go on--you're conferring a boon; 
We would rather be slanged by a warrior brave 
   Than praised by a wretched poltroon!"

MAKREDl would say that in battle's fierce rage 
   True happiness only was met:
Poor MAJOR MAKREDI, though fifty his age, 
   Had never known happiness yet!

LA GUERRE would declare, "With the blood of a foe 
   No tipple is worthy to clink." 
Poor fellow! he hadn't, though sixty or so, 
   Yet tasted his favourite drink! 

They agreed at their mess--they agreed in the glass--
   They agreed in the choice of their "set,"
And they also agreed in adoring, alas ! 
   The Vivandiere, pretty FILLETTE. 

Agreement, we know, may be carried too far, 
   And after agreeing all round 
For years--in this soldierly "maid of the bar," 
   A bone of contention they found. 

"On the day that you marry her," muttered PREPERE
   With a pistol he quietly played), 
"I'll scatter the brains in your noddle, I swear, 
   All over the stony parade!" 

"I cannot do that to you, answered LA GUERRE,
   "Whatever events may befall; 
But this I can do--if you wed her, mon cher!
   I'll eat you, moustachios and all!

The rivals, although they would never engage, 
   Yet quarrelled whenever they met; 
They met in a fury and left in a rage, 
   But neither took pretty FILLETTE. 

"I am not afraid," thought MAKREDI PREPERE: 
   "For my country I'm ready to fall; 
Rut nobody wants, for a mere Vivandiere, 
   To be eaten, moustachios and all!

"Besides, though LA GUERRE has his faults, I'll allow 
   He's one of the bravest of men: 
My goodness! if I disagree with him now, 
   I might disagree with him then!" 

" No coward am I," said LA GUERRE, "as you guess-- 
   I sneer at an enemy's blade; 
But I don't want PREPERE to get into a mess 
   For splashing the stony parade!" 

One day on parade to PREPERE and LA GUERRE 
   Came CORPORAL JACOT DEBETTE, 
And, trembling all over, he prayed of them there 
   To give him the pretty FILLETTE. 

"You see, I am willing to marry my bride 
   Until you've arranged this affair; 
I will blow out my brains when your honours decide
   Which marries the sweet Vivandiere!" 

"Well, take her," said both of them in a duet 
   (A favourite form of reply), 
" But when I am ready to marry FILLETTE, 
   Remember you've promised to die!" 

He married her then: from the flowery plains 
   Of existence the roses they cull: 
He lived and he died with his wife; and his brains 
   Are reposing in peace in his skull.